


Day 30

by Rabbitdoubt



Category: No Fandom
Genre: 30 Days of Writing, F/M, Nonfiction, Original Character(s), Original Fiction, Short, Subtle rape references, Subtle suicide references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-13
Updated: 2017-09-13
Packaged: 2018-12-27 09:32:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12078366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rabbitdoubt/pseuds/Rabbitdoubt
Summary: "Day 30: Explain what makes him/her so special to you."





	Day 30

**Author's Note:**

> This was hard for me to write. It's a part of a larger prompt, one of those 30 Day Challenges about someone you know, but this part really stuck with me. Maybe no one will read it, maybe one person will. It isn't so much for everyone else, as it is for me. Maybe I'll post the others, but I don't know. I've been writing for a long time, but this is my first published piece. So, just in case anyone actually does read this, please be kind.  
> Anyways, thank you. I hope you have a nice day. -SG

Day 30: The one thing that makes him different from everyone else.  
A/N: I was literally crying throughout this whole thing.

ও

She doesn’t know her purpose. Well, she supposes that no one does, in some aspect. But that feels too cliche, doesn’t it? Too much, not enough, too deep, not deep enough. It’s all just surface words, anyways - purpose, destiny, fate, uncertainty, lost, confused. Something to draw the reader in - what reader, who even reads these - because it’s the rule, it’s a part of something of bigger, that’s just how it is. Make a hook, be interesting, don’t stray from the guidelines. Because she doesn’t know what she was intended to do, why she was created, who she was suppose to be - that’s great and all, but does that really make her stand out? Does that honestly make her an individual? Does that make her special somehow? No. It doesn’t. It doesn’t make her any different from any character that has ever been created, unaware of its justification because it was created to be unaware. She’s just like everyone else. 

Is she? 

Lay out the facts. Who is she? Stick to the bases, stick to what you know. Female, but are you really? What about your soul? Does it even truly matter? 18 years old, but not really because that’s just the time she’s been outside of the womb, it isn’t an exact count of her existence. Her name - does that matter too? It’s only random syllables put together and letters arranged, and who says that it’s even truly hers? There have been others that have been called the same thing, will be more, so what makes it her own? She had no control over it in the first place, who says that’s what she was supposed to be called? What else makes her up? What else is there to her? !8 years on the planet, more in existence, there has to be more than just that. 

Well, let's see.

When she was four, she was run over on the playground by another kid on a tricycle. It left a scar across her left knee. Sometimes, when she’s bored, she traces it with a pen and remembers that if she’d only tried, she could’ve had a childhood too.

When she was five, she was torn away from her parents because of a lie (was it really, though?) and then given back because of a lie (was it really, though?). Sometimes, in the middle of the night and the world is silent, she remembers just how cruel people can be.

When she was ten, she fought with a heartbroken, fearful mother and snuck out. She tried to seek comfort from a friend, who wasn’t there. She tried to call for God, who wasn’t there. Sometimes, in the middle of the night and the world is silent, she remembers the clink of a beer bottle and the pull of a zipper.

When she was fourteen, a secret smacked her because she wouldn’t give him head in the school parking lot. When she cried, he called her a liar, smacked her, and threw her out of his truck by her hair, and no one believed her. Sometimes, when she’s tired of beating herself down, she remembers that no one will ever be able to take away her ability to say no and doesn't regret it.

When she was sixteen, a boy came into her life who brought her the man she never realized she needed. Regrets were made, ones that might never be forgotten but have been made right, and she realized that there was so much more to life than all of the regrets she’d made. Over a year and a half later, sometimes, in the middle of the night and the world is silent, she’s never been more happy to know they are both with her, loving her, accepting her, protecting her.

It’s because of them both that she finds the courage to wake up. It’s because of them both she finds the courage to think about a future and not a past. The courage to be the best person that she can possibly be because she has made so make mistakes, so many regrets, and wasted so many chances. The courage not to tear herself down anymore and accept that she is flawed, accept that she is not perfect, accept that there are so many things that she will never be able to control and it’s okay. The courage to live.

That’s what makes him special. That’s why he is the most important thing she has ever had. He is the reason why she is okay now. She can’t give him all of the credit, but if it wasn’t for him - for his courage to extend a needed hand and his courage to love her for the damaged piece she was - she never would’ve come to realize that she’s okay. She isn’t perfect; there are still nights she cries and screams and thinks what if, what if, what if, but she’s okay, and that’s what’s important because it’d been so long since she’d been okay, so long since she hadn’t been scared. Scared of being loved, scared of being hurt again, scared of admitting that she didn’t deserve it. 

Because she didn’t. She felt used. Ashamed. Abandoned. Humiliated. She felt so so many awful things about herself, she hated the way she could still feel everything. Every sting and burn and crack. Every insult, every threat, every command. She blamed herself for so much, more than anyone could ever know, because it’s her who's flawed, it’s her who ruined everything - the way she always has - and it’s okay. It’s okay, because it’s not her fault, and she has to know that now but she doesn’t, and it still stings but it’s okay. Because she has him and he’s teaching her that it’s okay, it was not your fault, stop doing this to yourself, you don’t deserve this. And that’s why he’s special. 

He’s special because he is the only one that has ever truly believed it. There have been others - random faces that have told her that it’s okay, you’re fine, don’t be a baby over that course of her life - but they had never stayed. Have never attempted to stay. Have never intended to stay. But he did, and he has, and he will, and how much longer? How much longer does she have until he realizes that he could do so much and realizes that life is an ever changing opportunity so why stick with her, someone who is no different than anyone else because she isn’t.

She is not special, she is not unique. There have been others who have had so much worse, others who didn’t survive, others who didn’t come back, others who have never had the chance to be okay. And it makes her feel so much worse because she has spent almost all of her life blaming herself for something, fearful and tearful, breaking herself down into nothingness, and it hurts to know that at the end of the day, she is selfish. She is self-centered. She is no better than anyone else because we as humans always put ourselves above everyone else, that’s just how we are, how it is and will be. 

But he believes that she is. And that’s why he’s special. She loves him because he’s the reason why she finally loves herself, and with feelings like that, who the hell cares what her purpose is suppose to be.


End file.
